I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
