my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
