Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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