I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
