Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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