Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why do cheetos always look like penises
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
