My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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