I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
