he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I intend to get homeless drunk
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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