I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
