I just saw a hot homeless man
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
