I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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