shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
