i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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