You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
