I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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