I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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