A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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