omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
