I've blown a few things in my day
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
