you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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