turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
