The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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