remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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