best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
