just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
