i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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