He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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