Cold hands, warm shart.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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