i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
