I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
