Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Pooping to opera.
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