I just pynch a tree in the face
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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