i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
