He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
