Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
