he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
