You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Randomize
