just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
