my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
