in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
