what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
