dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
