just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
