we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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