The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
