I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
