Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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