She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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