I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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