I am full of burrito and curiosity
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
